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I hadn't realized how affected by last night's memorial until I sat down in the pews at st. mark today. thoughts of my mom overcame me, not having family, not having a relationship, not having a pretty singing voice, not having a pretty body, failing life.. just too much. how many more years of this must I endure? i almost got up and left mid service. probably disappointed a few people by not staying for breakfast class & 11am choir. my heart just wasn't there.. like many times before, i cried on teh way back home.

days like this suck. and usually, with me anyway, they snowball into long periods of depression and other complications. where's the shopping cart button.. i am ready to check out.

Retreat

Sep. 16th, 2007 06:34 pm
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I'm back from a weekend choir retreat in the mountains.  St mark held the retreat in the same location as last year (wow my hair was long back then!) and everyone had a great time.  It was different from last year when Gary was still director; this year everything was soooo laid back.. we had a schedule but really didn't follow it closely.  I wish I'd had more time to spend daydreaming in the shady meadow down by the river. 

Anyway, on the way to the resort Lucy, Frank and I were treated to the most gorgeous, brilliant rainbow (I've) ever seen.  Actually there were two side by side.. This photo really doesn't do it justice.  It looked *huge*


and a few others from this weekend )

Lovely

Dec. 25th, 2006 01:16 am
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So I just came home from St. Mark's midnight Christmast service and I'm very tired and ready for bed.  They do this every year I am told, the choir sang over 10 songs with a finale of Peace, Peace / Stille Nacht by candlelight - after that everyone left in silence.. it was beautiful. 

Tomorrow morning I'm to go deliver Meals on Wheels then I have the rest of the day to myself.  Yay being alone.  I don't know if I can bear to be cooped up at home all day.    So even though it's gross outside I may load up and go riding anyway.  I haven't ridden in the rain in forever. 
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What is most precious to a child?  His or her name. 

I'm learning, little by little...
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I will have been at st mark the past 3 nights in row after tomorrow for Music Man & choir rehearsal.  It's fun but wow.. I'm almost ready for a few nights at home with nothing to do!

Still planning on driving down to ICR for the last race in their Hot Summer Nights series..  Not sure what's going on Friday or Sunday late afternoon....


I called about an advanced PHP training class in NC earlier today.  The lesson is not cheap but I think it will help my job prospects considerably.    The same instructor teaches a MySQL administration class which would help towards an MySQL AB certification. 

And Spring semester registration starts in early December.  I must enroll and pass the two classes I have left. 
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I'm home safe and sound, and rested.  It was a beautiful weekend.. the food was yummy, the cabins clean and comfy, and the people were wonderful.    More importantly I felt the spirit moving amongst us, speaking to us in each our own way.    I left the resort feeling enriched.    I pray I take even just a little of what was offered this weekend and begin applying to my life in a meaningful way, starting now. 


My cousin Frank & I wading in the Chattahoochee:


2 more )

retreat!

Sep. 15th, 2006 04:29 pm
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off to Helen for the weekend.

drained

Sep. 8th, 2006 06:26 pm
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I didn't think I would make it through the last hour and a half at work.  It was all I could do to keep my eyes open and concentrate on my work. 

I'm not worried about falling (and staying) asleep tonight, though I think I'm going to get something to help with my insomnia should this happen again.  I can't go without my rest. 

Not sure what I'm doing tonight.. I need to stay up for a few more hours so I may drive over to Agnes Scott for a game or two of volleyball. 

Something is happening behind the scenes at church this weekend that will have a major impact on a relationship dear to me.  It is out of my hands, but god knows I can only handle so much rejection at once. 
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So tonight was the first Music Man rehearsal.  We went over Trouble and Wells Fargo then, during a short break I was reading lyrics to Iowa Stubborn and realized that my character sings a solo line!  My part starts on the second E in the treble scale (right below the top line), which is in my range but I am already anxious and nervous having never done this before..  Amy calls me over while everyone is gone and says everything's fine, you can do it.  we sung it together a couple times and yes I easily reach the correct pitch but that's with someone singing with me.  It was a little late to do Iowa but we will sing it on Thursday night.  Amy said we'd get together tomorrow at choir rehearsal and look at my line again.  I really enjoy working with her, she's so friendly, expressive and full of life. 

In other news.. I need to tone down my clothes at work a little..  I haven't worn ripped fishnets or anything close to it, but I haven't dressed very professionally once or twice and each time I recieved looks from people on campus.  I don't like dressing up when I have to walk half a mile to the office from the parking lot, and it's not practical to wear chucks with a business skirt set or suit.  Kinda kills the look ya know? 

ICR is open for racing again this Saturday and I think I'd like to go again. 
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I was concerned the chancel choir would sing a new song we learned last week, but thankfully it was put off until the following Sunday.  It's a cool piece rich in dissonance and surprisingly dark, but oh so hard to sing.  At one point in the song there are 10 different pitches at the same time! 

I was a little moody at church today and I guess it showed.. Steven came to me after church and said he missed my smiling face and a couple others asked if I was ok too.  During Help Us Accept One Another I stopped singing to avoid a little breakdown. 

Maybe one day I'll figure out what the hell is wrong with me. 
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After a full night's rest (compared to tossing & turning the previous two nights) I woke, dressed and drove to St. Mark.  Since I was already 30 minutes late to The Breakfast Club I went up the choir room & chatted with one of the ladies I sit next to for a few minutes before rehearsal began.  

This month's theme is baby boomers, and we're singing many older traditional hymns.  I wasn't sure I'd like the old timey songs so much but that faded quickly as soon as I heard how beautiful they sounded with the full choir.    After going through today's songs we walked down to the sanctuary as usual.   It was nice to be back in the loft today - more so that so many people were in attendance.  

Adam, one of our associate pastors, gave an inspiring sermon based around the Samaritan woman who had 5 husbands, not including the man she was currently with.   His sermon was less like preaching, it was the most incredible form of method acting I've witnessed..    Adam spoke from the perspective of the woman and illustrated the story in a way I've never heard before.   It was amazing if only from the perspective of acting.  But it was much more than that. 

From what others said this was Adam's first sermon without a script.. he normally reads everything.  I hope he continues in this style because he was so much more engaging today than I've seen him in the past.  St. Mark is  blessed to have so much creative talent in it's congregation. 

Hump Day?

Jun. 28th, 2006 11:09 pm
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After work I drove to St. Mark and met with my cousin-in-law to go over Mame before choir practice.  While we were warming up she said (for the second time) that I was pushing towards second soprano.  This is so bizarre.  Some of you may remember how deep my voice sounded a long time ago.     

I guess that's neither here nor there.. I'm still learning how to breath and sight read which is difficult enough.  But maybe, if I stick at this long enough, I'll be able to sing opera yet. lol, or maybe I'm just full of it for thinking I ever could. ;o)

Anyways, after going through Mame a few times I felt more confident, but am completely lost on Oklahoma.  I need to find an mp3 of that and a few other broadway tunes we worked on.  After rehearsal we had delicious chocolate cake, keylime pie and white fudge as part of celebration of one of the long time altos who is moving to Oregon. 


A four-day weekend is just around the corner and I'm loosely planning to drive to Tallassee, AL Friday after work, where I will spend the night.  Saturday morning I'll wake  up early and go to Monster Mountain race park & practice until I am too tired or the weather becomes too unbearable.    Last year the Women's national was held there. I've only been once before and loved it.  It's a two mile course with lots of long straights & big jumps.  I am going to bring a few leftover oxycodones with me, just in case. :o) 


Oh, Fry's irked me this morning. I drove waaay out of the way on the way to work to pick up a new mobo & cpu (athlon 3500+) to replace the Sempron 2600+ I now have. Frys had a sale on them but when I got there guess what, no cpus in stock. Oh. Well. I complained to the manager, who tried to sell me an Intel chip but it wasn't as affordable as the AMD they should have had in stock.
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I'm home from a long day at work followed by my first rehearsal @ st mark.   Everyone was very welcoming tonight, which made me feel better.   My vocal quality wasn't that great I did stay in tune with the other second altos.   Two songs we sung were long and intricate.. I'll just have to do the best I can next Tuesday.

woo

May. 28th, 2006 03:02 pm
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After an elegant lunch at the lavish Zestos on Ponce with my cousins, Lucy and I went back to the church for a brief vocal lesson.  She really wants me to join the choir, especially after St. Mark received an invitation to appear at the Georgia Methodist Convention in Athens next month.  That's a big to-do because the Methodist church has recently taken strides to include LGBT people in their communities. 

So we spent a little time going over simple la-la-la-la-laaaaa progressions.  Lucy(who is a professional voice instructor) stopped after a while and told me how surprised she was, that I could almost sing second soprano (and would if I began singing regularly).  She said for now I would need to start in the alto section.. which tickles me pink.  Before today she hadn't heard me sing any and assumed I'd sing tenor like the only other trans woman she knew did.  So being in the alto section makes a big difference in joining the choir.. I didn't want to sing with them if I had to sing tenor.  so yay me.

Family

Feb. 19th, 2006 12:03 pm
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In a few minutes I'm driving over to St. Mark where I'm going to meet my cousins Frank & Lucy for lunch.  I came out to them last week after they (I think) read me at my uncles funeral.  To tell the truth I am a little anxious, even though Lucy was very supportive in her email to me on Friday.  I'm sure everything will be OK. 

So, afterwords I plan on hanging out with Dara (today is her birthday) and maybe we'll go see a movie or somfin. 

Yesterday I met with a bassist who wants to join the band.  We played for a little bit yesterday & plan on getting together next weekend -- hopefully with a drummer.  If not my R-8 is capable for the time being. 

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with Dr. F and I guess she will make a determination on whether to go in and fix whatever seems to be wrong with one of the incisions.

That's all for now..


Oh I did cut my hair yesterday. it's not dyed yet however. 

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