awake again.

[funeralcrasher]

Well here I am in the middle of the night after having been awoken by my roommate's loud tv set.  So I've decided to wait till he's gone tomorrow and toss his 51" set out of the third story window in his room.  Just kidding.  Maybe. 

Before waking I vaguely remember a dream involving my oldest brother's son, Chad.  He and I were small talking and I remember telling him to cherish his youth, that it goes by much faster than he could ever imagine.

Its so hard to believe I'm already 36 years old.  My body is only beginning to show signs of aging.  Most of the time I feel much younger than my age indicates.

This leads me to wonder..

Do you hold any regrets about your past?   um. well..  aside from dating shmucks and losers, which I assume is universal.


My biggest regret, aside from certain biological realities, is attending private college in Athens years ago.  Truthfully, I wasn't ready then and have much debt now because of it.  Another regret of mine is never fully learning how to manage monies.  Everyone else seems to either have an innate ability to scrooge and save or has been fortunate enough to marry someone who has enough to go around without worrying.

Other than that, I've played in rock bands, trophied at motocross races, attended anti war rallies in dc, seen so many wonderful bands here and in NYC, underwent back surgery, drove to San Francisco & back in an old beat-up car (with almost no money!), planted & tended gardens, and many other little things.  Despite not having many things and not having travelled to many places, I've lived relatively well.

And I still have much living to do.

But first I need to do something about my weight.  Since dropping to 165 two months ago I've managed to add 17 pounds.  None of my regular friends work out, or if they do they live zillions of miles away.  I'm not sure whether this weight gain is due to diet or taking larger doses of estrogen.

Either way, all of my weight winds up not where I want it.  l5pgirl, you run and skate a lot so I was a little surprised that you mentioned needing lipo.  If you of all people still have tummy problems that doesn't leave much hope for getting rid of my own babyfat.

In the morning I plan on putting myself together and go thrift shopping.  I must find pants.  One of my new friends from group swears by thrifts, and she's tall like me.  I never luck finding tops with long enough sleeves at thrifts.  But I've never looked for women's pants, or only in passing.  I'd like a few pair as I only have three now. 


Oh I finally heard from Karen, the director of 100% Woman.  She's offered to sell me a copy for $35, which is much much less than the $400 I've seen online (theater pricing?).  She too had words of encouragement for getting back into mx.

Speaking of.  Just for kicks I looked at a few Kawasakis on the web last night.  I can't think of buying anything like that now, but it doesn't hurt to look I guess.

Ok. Enough of my incessant babbling.

Comments

[ldygrinningsoul.livejournal.com]

I lived my life sort of backwards, then had to back up and sort of start again, and to avoid being really bitter, I sort of had to make a deal with myself not to regret any of it.

That having been said, I often wish that I could have ended up who I am today without having to really arse it up for a while first!

I was raised by musicians, so I grew up skint, and I'm good at hoarding money, although I never had both enough money and enough responsibilities before to have to budget it. Now that we have the house, we've come up with a sort of cheat to avoid actually budgeting. We have 4 accounts between us, his, mine, my savings, and our joint. Every paycheck (we each get two a month) we put our 1/4th of the mortgage payments directly into the joint account, which is used only for paying bills (or for moving money from or to "my" savings from Charles's account. It sounds weird, but we never have to worry about accidentally spending the money.

It took me a while to understand taxes and healthcare and proactively addressing problems though - I wish my parents had pushed more of that practicality on me before I actually needed it, but I'm not sure I would have taken it to heart anyway.

I do wish I'd had a chance to go to college. I mean I did when I was 16, but I was in a bad place, and although I enjoyed it, I didn't take advantage of it. I was always into forensics (my mom and I both actually) and it wasn't all popular like it is now. I had just started some Crim classes in that direction when I took off for NOLA, and I can't help but wonder if instead of working in the legal dept of a mortgage company, I'd be taking apart skeletons or reconstructing faces or what have you by now if I'd been less f'd up and more studious. I wish I'd actually GONE to a college and met other intelligent artistic people instead of giving up and running off with an unintelligent fuck up with a good jacket. I miss having deep relationships with my friends. I used to have some people good for late night drunken philosophic ranting when I was a kid, and I mostly don't anymore, and I really miss it a lot. Charles has a lot of friends good for that, but it's hard to build those relationships this late in life, because everyone is busy and pressed for time, and it's hard to just stay up until 4am drinking and talking if you have to be up at 5:30 to go to work.

I wish that I wasn't so shy, or that I had pushed myself harder to overcome it on stage, because there are worse singers and writers out there, and I have a natural talent with pretty much any instrument, and yet I've never been in a band that played out. That's REALLY frustrating, because everyone else in my family is a musician, and I've got a secret swagger that would love to do that shit.

But I guess everyone's life is filled with memories of times when in retrospect, opportunity must have been sitting right outside the door waiting for you to invite him in, while you were sitting on the other side waiting for him to knock, you know?

All in all, it's a good life I have here. I have the things that are MOST important to me, I just don't have a fantastic outlet for my ego, which is very probably a good thing for everyone else. I'm not sure that I could have both when it's all said and done.

[pkbarbiedoll.livejournal.com]

...it's hard to build those relationships this late in life, because everyone is busy and pressed for time, and it's hard to just stay up until 4am drinking and talking if you have to be up at 5:30 to go to work.

Agreed. That's where feeling young and being "older" clash, at least in my little world. I can't remember the last time I stayed up that late drinking & talking. By the time the weekend rolls around my sleep schedule is such that staying up late these nights becomes harder and harder to do.

But I guess everyone's life is filled with memories of times when in retrospect, opportunity must have been sitting right outside the door waiting for you to invite him in, while you were sitting on the other side waiting for him to knock, you know?

Yeah, and its a little easier seeing that in hindsight. Meanwhile it might be happening right now, were we able to see things differently. Turning around and opening the door is, to me, the most rewarding and scary thing I've ever done. Isn't that what makes life worth living, those seemingly rare moments when you take destiny into your own hands?

All in all, it's a good life I have here. I have the things that are MOST important to me, I just don't have a fantastic outlet for my ego, which is very probably a good thing for everyone else. I'm not sure that I could have both when it's all said and done.

::smiles::
Just the same, many in bands aren't that incredibly talented to begin with. Personally, feel I've almost cheated life by sneaking on stage and playing shows now and then. Especially 15 years ago when I didn't know how to play at all (and still found myself in a band, on stage, in front of a crowd of people). I'll never make it in music because I don't aspire to. Now days music is something I do for me. Mostly for ego, partly for therapy.

And I guess playing in music groups is something that being single has afforded me. Bands steal a lot of time from our lives and from those who mean much to us. I used to be so envious of John & Exene, but then even the best possible situations rarely last.

hehe, I'm not really a cynic when it comes to dating. Having tried personals (and dated someone from an ad many years ago..ugh), played in bands and so on.. Chances aren't so good that I'll meet my ideal date this late in my life. Even if I did I wonder whether being single for so long would negatively impact my ability to carry on a long term meaningful relationship. I'd like to think not, but...

[ldygrinningsoul.livejournal.com]

>>Agreed. That's where feeling young and being "older" clash, at least in my little world.<<

Well I AM young, not as young as I have been obviously, but young enough really, and yet, I feel old, I guess because I have a lot of responsibilities. It's funny because I forget how young I am until I look at my age mates who are...acting my age :P

>>By the time the weekend rolls around my sleep schedule is such that staying up late these nights becomes harder and harder to do.<<

Yes, when I was a teenager I was blessed/cursed with insomnia. I got a whole lot done in the hours when I SHOULD have been sleeping (painting, predawn boat rides, um...drinking, talking on the phone/computer - often with Frankie) Now I can fall asleep, and as a result I'm a lot more stable moodwise, but it's like I'm living my life on half the time I used to!

>> Meanwhile it might be happening right now, were we able to see things differently.<<

Oh I'm sure it is. I mean its not REALLY too late for me to finish learning guitar, or become a mad extrovert and recruit a band to play some of the songs I have half written.

>>Turning around and opening the door is, to me, the most rewarding and scary thing I've ever done. Isn't that what makes life worth living, those seemingly rare moments when you take destiny into your own hands?<<

I don't know - in retrospect yes, and that's why for a while I had a rule about accepting any project I was offered (art/music/whatever). But I'm often so freaked out when it's actually happening that its kind of hard for me to enjoy it. I think that's just because I haven't done that kind of stuff enough though.

>>Just the same, many in bands aren't that incredibly talented to begin with.<<

Heh - no I've noticed that, they're just really fucking persistent ;) That takes balls though!

>>Personally, feel I've almost cheated life by sneaking on stage and playing shows now and then. Especially 15 years ago when I didn't know how to play at all (and still found myself in a band, on stage, in front of a crowd of people).<<

See how does that happen, and why doesn't it happen to me? I wish I'd been given license to just fuck around with some friends like that. You're a rad guitarist now however you got started.

>>I'll never make it in music because I don't aspire to. Now days music is something I do for me. Mostly for ego, partly for therapy.<<

Well maybe that IS making it in music though. I mean my parents tried to live off music, and that's a hard fucking road, and the business side isn't particularly fun. Most people, especially in our scene, lets face it - are not going to be rock stars. Even the really talented ones will be lucky to eke out a living. If you get to do it with some people you like and don't completely fuck your life up in the process, maybe you HAVE made it.

>>Bands steal a lot of time from our lives and from those who mean much to us.<<

Oh absolutely, it's like having two families.

>>Chances aren't so good that I'll meet my ideal date this late in my life.<<

Oh please, you're not THAT ancient silly. Love has a way of springing things on you. And really, the happier and more settled you are, the more you appeal to other people really. It's funny - the more lost and needy you are, the more likely you're likely to find yourself alone in it all. One of life's bitter little ironies.

>> Even if I did I wonder whether being single for so long would negatively impact my ability to carry on a long term meaningful relationship. I'd like to think not, but...<<

That would depend on who it was, doesn't it? I've certainly known plenty of couples that were perfectly independent.

[aesthetic.livejournal.com]

36? Wow.
I never would have guessed. I would have guessed 27.

[pkbarbiedoll.livejournal.com]

well thank you.