funeralcrasher: (Default)
I'm pretty sure I don't want to live much longer in this bitter cold world. I do not have strength to take my own life, but if I did - today would be the day.

All I wanted was platonic love, a sense of belonging.. a family. All I recieved were doors slammed in my face, over and over and over. I'm ready for this to end.

Date: 2007-10-12 11:15 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] radargrrl.livejournal.com
There are different kinds of families. I have a family that has been brought together via the internet, and we're all very special to one another. When we do meet in 3D, it feels just as a family should. Doors may have been slamed in your face, but there are always doors open. Mine is.

Date: 2007-10-12 11:44 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] pkbarbiedoll.livejournal.com
We're only 3000 miles apart though. Others have no trouble finding family in their own neighborhoods & towns.. if they don't already have a family of their own.

Date: 2007-10-12 01:24 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] radargrrl.livejournal.com
I don't think it's as much as 3000 miles...1700 km to Atlanta from Trenton, so just over 1000. Compare that with the other members of my chosen family. Katie's in LA, Katica's in Edmonton, Hilary's in the UK and Heli is in Finland. This actually makes you the closest, and only a day's drive away. I've always wanted to meet you...maybe we should arrange something.

Date: 2007-10-12 02:33 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] trans-mag.livejournal.com
I'm only three hours down the road from radargrrl. My guest room door is always open! And there is a large, active trans community here in Ottawa which will embrace you. Come and see!

Date: 2007-10-12 02:59 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] pkbarbiedoll.livejournal.com
believe me, if there were opportunities in CN i would seriously consider relocating. i love your countryside. after this grant ends i will need to see what's available north of the border.

Date: 2007-10-12 04:12 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] trans-mag.livejournal.com
If you give me some advance notice, I can scout opportunities for you here... Stay in touch! :-)

First a hug...

Date: 2007-10-12 01:23 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] sttatus-quo.livejournal.com
There's an element of "be the change you want to see" here.

I don't think dying is the solution. Changing is.
Talk to someone you trust to give you truth gently. The rest of the world is not a lost cause. *You* are not a lost cause.

Southern Comfort Conference just came and went in your region. I feel certain that you had friends there that would have welcomed you and enjoyed your company. Did you go? I know [livejournal.com profile] mb2u would have been glad to see you if you had gone.. or met you for dinner..or something.

You do have platonic love.. there is agape all over your friends list. People are concerned.. but I will tell you that talking about taking your own life will make people withdraw emotionally from you.

What I see you doing is beating yourself up because you can't have things just the way you want them. This isn't worth dying over. It's worth changing enough that the pain goes away. That, of course, requires effort to make the change. You've obviously hit bottom. The only way to go is up.

[livejournal.com profile] radargrrl just gave you an open door. Your knee-jerk reaction was to immediately find what was wrong with it and not view it as an option.
I would propose to you that if you quit nit-picking and finding fault your life will be happier- from what you've said about your family on here in the past that seems to be a family theme that you may or may not be aware of.

I don't live 3000 miles away. I have an extra bedroom. This is about as trans-friendly of a household as you can find. Want to take a long weekend over the winter and come visit? I'd be glad to meet you although I can't say Dallas is the most touristy of towns.

What are you willing to do to make this pain go away?
(deleted comment)

Date: 2007-10-12 02:57 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] pkbarbiedoll.livejournal.com
it feels like i'm fighting a losing battle with certain people in my life. when i need them, they aren't there or minimalize whatever it is i'm going through. pat answers. talk is cheap.
i need to stop subjecting myself to this. and them.

thank you Jake, i appreciate what you and others wrote.

Date: 2007-10-12 09:31 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] cherylcrt.livejournal.com
You just answered your own question -
"I need to stop subjecting myself to this - and them".
I wish you could see that you deserve better than what (or who) you currently have in your life that's upsetting you so much.
I know you're hurting, but sttatus_quo is right. Change, baby, change.
Make life what YOU want it to be? Who said you don't deserve the best? You do, and you have to be the FIRST person to think that way.
I'm a really big believer in, if you think for it, it'll come. (I guess it's sort of visualization, whatever..)
I do wallow in pity myself sometimes, but then I think to myself how much worse I COULD have it.
The things that make me sad, angry, and yes, even self-destructive are when I want so badly to help someone, and I can't.

Date: 2007-10-12 04:53 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] displaced-hero.livejournal.com
That does it! I'm changing my name to "Chopped Liver"!

Date: 2007-10-12 05:23 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] pkbarbiedoll.livejournal.com
Only if I can change mine to Reconstituted Apricots!

I guess I should have clarified in my earlier post, I meant local peoples, especially biological family.

If we lived closer (like Natalie and others) I'd really enjoy hanging out. I think about you from time to time.

Date: 2007-10-12 05:45 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] displaced-hero.livejournal.com
In that case, I still love you. Consider yourself hugged big time.:D

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